1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,640 gave without taking 2 00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:12,160 3 00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:16,840 from shaking 4 00:00:16,840 --> 00:00:21,400 5 00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:47,160 - My word. I've never seen one as long as this before. 6 00:00:47,160 --> 00:00:47,160 - That's what she said. 7 00:00:47,160 --> 00:00:49,800 HE CHORTLES 8 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:51,400 - That's what who said? 9 00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:52,760 - Doesn't matter. 10 00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:54,760 I found it leaning against the side of a chimney. 11 00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:57,040 No-one seemed to own it so I thought I'd just take it. 12 00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:58,520 Finders keepers an' all that. 13 00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:00,400 - Help! 14 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:03,240 - I wonder if you could do a little job for me? 15 00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:04,920 I've got some trouble with my spire. 16 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:07,680 - Go on. - It's got a huge bird's nest on it. 17 00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:10,080 I've asked local roofing firms if they could remove it 18 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:12,120 but they say that modern safety methods, 19 00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:14,000 and the fact that they just make the prices up, 20 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:16,320 means they can't do it for less than £50,000. 21 00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:18,960 And unfortunately, even though the Church of England is 22 00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:22,200 one of the biggest landowners in the country, we can't afford it. 23 00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:25,080 AND we've got the Songs Of Praise lot turning up on Sunday to film. 24 00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:26,280 - Songs Of Praise? 25 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:28,600 - I don't suppose you would be willing to use your ladder 26 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:30,040 to get rid of the nest? 27 00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:32,760 I would go up myself but I'm afraid of heights. 28 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,200 - How much? 29 00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:35,840 - Well, um... 30 00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:38,800 - WHISPERS: - I shit myself if I go above two storeys. 31 00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:40,760 - No, I mean how much for the job? 32 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:42,520 - Oh, I see. Well... 33 00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:46,640 Christ was a simple man, he didn't preach the gospel of greed and... 34 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,280 - 60 quid? 35 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:49,440 - 40? 36 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:49,440 - SPITS 37 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:51,080 Done. 38 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:40,560 BIRD SQUAWK 39 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:55,320 Right, let's get this shifted. 40 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:09,400 HE LAUGHS 41 00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:15,200 - Mandy, how many times must I tell you not to 42 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:17,040 bring your ladder in here? 43 00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:18,840 This is a professional nail salon, 44 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:21,800 not whatever sort of place you should keep a very long ladder. 45 00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:24,840 - Sorry, Lol, but I can't leave that lying around. 46 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:27,200 That little baby's my meal ticket out of here. 47 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:30,160 - How do you mean? - I think I might have found my true calling, Lol. 48 00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:31,800 I love being high up. 49 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:34,600 It's just me, the birds and God up there. 50 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:36,560 - Mandy! I thought it was you. 51 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:39,600 Could you bring your ladder back tomorrow, please? 52 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:41,760 My crucifix is bent and I want everything to be 53 00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:43,200 perfect for Songs Of Praise. 54 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:46,720 - Songs Of Praise? I have always wanted to go one that show. 55 00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:49,480 Especially after they rejected me from The Traitors, 56 00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:50,720 Race Around The World 57 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:52,720 and Naked Attraction. 58 00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:56,920 Can I come along for the show? 59 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:58,480 - We're already full, I'm afraid. 60 00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:01,080 We've had to give priority to regular churchgoers. 61 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:03,160 - But I am a regular churchgoer, 62 00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:05,120 I go to the jumble sale every January. 63 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,360 - HE LAUGHS 64 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:12,120 - What about it, Mandy? - Maybe. 65 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:14,640 - God will smile on your good deeds. 66 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:18,480 40 quid? 67 00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:21,760 - 40 quid, and Lola and I get to come along to Songs Of Praise. 68 00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:24,160 - Well, erm... - Good seats, mind, front row. 69 00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:26,280 No restricted view. Premier plus seats, 70 00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:29,400 you know, the ones with the cup-holders and massage chairs. 71 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,440 Deal? 72 00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:32,960 - Doh! 73 00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:34,240 - CHUCKLES 74 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,160 - Oh! Done. 75 00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:37,960 See you tomorrow. 76 00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:42,360 - That is very good of you, Mandy, but I worry about you. 77 00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:43,960 You don't even wear safety equipment. 78 00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:46,640 - Safety equipment's for snowflakes, Lola. 79 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:49,280 Snowflakes and the so-called professionals. 80 00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:51,280 If I slip and die, I slip and die. 81 00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:54,680 We've all got to go sometime - why not go whilst falling off a ladder 82 00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:57,360 without a harness in an accident that was easily preventable? 83 00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:59,120 - I think that's shit, Mandy. 84 00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:00,560 - How dare you! 85 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:02,880 - No, Mandy, I think that is shit. 86 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:04,800 Bird shit on your shoulder. 87 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:06,040 - Yeah, it will be. 88 00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:07,360 Closer to the birds, aren't I? 89 00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:10,400 - Oh, go home, Mandy, you're a hygiene hazard. 90 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,240 This is a three-star establishment. 91 00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:13,480 - I'll go an have a shower. 92 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:17,320 - Ugh! 93 00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:19,120 - SUSPENSEFUL, HITCHCOCK-STYLE MUSIC 94 00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:35,160 CHICK TWEETS 95 00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:36,760 RAVEN CAWS 96 00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:43,040 Oh, fucking hell, more bird shit. 97 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:44,800 I'm not even up there yet. 98 00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:57,880 BIRDS CAW 99 00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:03,920 - Hang on. What is that? 100 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:07,120 Oh, my word! 101 00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:09,960 I never thought I'd see one of those. 102 00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:14,880 What the fuck is it doing in her hair? 103 00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:21,080 - RAVEN CAWS 104 00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:30,680 - Mandy. 105 00:06:32,280 --> 00:06:34,160 Thanks for coming in. 106 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,240 - I got a text you wanted to see me. 107 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:38,320 And a letter. And a message on the portal. 108 00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:40,840 And a phone call. And another letter. 109 00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:42,080 And a WhatsApp. 110 00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:45,120 So I just got the sense you wanted to see me. - Yes, I did. 111 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:48,680 Um, have you been working at all? 112 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:50,440 - No. 113 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:52,400 - Are you sure? Because if you have been working, 114 00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:54,720 then it will affect your benefit payments 115 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:56,280 and you could be charged with fraud. 116 00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:57,560 - Draud? What's that? 117 00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:59,160 - No, fraud. 118 00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:01,640 We've had a message saying that you've been seen doing 119 00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:03,400 odd jobs around the church. 120 00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:04,800 - Who's been saying that? 121 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:07,240 - Someone left a message on our anonymous draud frotline... 122 00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:10,200 ..fraud hotline. - Who was it? 123 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:12,880 - It's anonymous, I didn't know, they didn't leave their name. 124 00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:14,640 The voice did sound familiar, actually. 125 00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:16,200 Like it was someone off the telly. 126 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:19,320 - Oh, it's probably just someone who's got it in for me. - Who would that be? 127 00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:21,960 - You don't get where I am today without making a few enemies. 128 00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:23,560 - "Where you are today?" 129 00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:26,000 Mandy, you're sitting in a Jobcentre, 130 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:28,560 you haven't had unemployment since you left school. 131 00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:31,320 - Exactly. And yet still I have enemies at every turn. 132 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:33,880 Imagine how many enemies really successful people have, 133 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:36,080 like Vladimir Putin or Rick Edwards 134 00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:37,920 or that man from Succession. 135 00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:40,920 - You think he's successful cos he's in a show called Succession? 136 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:42,360 OK, so you haven't been working? 137 00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:44,240 - How many more times, no! 138 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:45,920 - So, what's the ladder for then? 139 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:47,880 - What ladder? 140 00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:50,080 - That ladder, there, that you brought in. 141 00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:51,440 - Oh, right, that, yeah. 142 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:53,200 No, I'm looking after it for a friend. 143 00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:55,040 - Mandy, this is serious, OK? 144 00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:57,320 If you've been doing a job while claiming benefits, 145 00:07:57,320 --> 00:07:59,520 then that is a crime. - A crime? 146 00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:04,120 So what if I've been fixing the church roof up for a few extra quid? 147 00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:06,360 - Right. - It's hardly the crime of the century, is it? 148 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:10,160 It's hardly crooked, million-pound PPE contracts, is it? 149 00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:13,920 Or billionaires hiding their money abroad to avoid paying tax, is it? 150 00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:17,960 Or Prince Philip assassinating Lady Di, is it? 151 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:20,280 No. But as ever, the rich get away with it 152 00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:23,080 and you go after the small fry. Yeah, the easy meat, 153 00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:26,200 the Mandy Carters of the world, who are just trying to struggle 154 00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:28,760 through the cost of living crisis as best they can. 155 00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:31,800 Well, if that isn't the real crime, then I don't know what is! 156 00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:34,600 On Judgment Day, who do you think God's going to punish? 157 00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:36,600 The poor woman who fixed the church roof up 158 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:39,360 so she could afford some fucking cheese, or you, 159 00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:43,160 who pursued and punished her and sent her to an early grave? 160 00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:45,280 You're no better than me but you side with the rich 161 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:47,560 cos you think you're like them, but you're not. 162 00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:49,840 They're laughing at you doing their dirty work 163 00:08:49,840 --> 00:08:52,680 while they party on their megayachts, drinking caviar 164 00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:53,960 and eating supermodels. 165 00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:55,960 What a little man you are! 166 00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:59,960 Yeah, that's stopped you in your tracks, hasn't it? 167 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:01,520 That's made you think, hasn't it? 168 00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:03,320 - No, it's, Mandy, you've got... 169 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:07,120 There's something in your hair. - Don't try and distract me, 170 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:09,560 you petite bourgeois stooge. 171 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:12,240 - Erm, look, I'm just going to put "No further action needed". 172 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:13,600 - Thank you! 173 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:15,960 - Best take that with you. - Oh, yeah. Cheers. 174 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:26,960 RAVENS CAW 175 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,480 - What's she doing? 176 00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:02,520 Oh, my God. 177 00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:06,440 - BIRDS CAW 178 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,520 Fucking bird shit, bastards. 179 00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:13,080 - Hello! Ah, so many new faces! 180 00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:19,240 I hope it's not just because you want to be on Songs Of Praise! 181 00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:20,720 - No, no, no. I love Jesus Christ. 182 00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:22,280 Where are the cameras? 183 00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:23,640 - Hello, hello... 184 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:36,520 - Hello, I'm Aled Jones, and welcome to Songs Of Praise. 185 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:37,960 We're delighted to be in 186 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:40,480 the wonderful old Church of St Stephen's. 187 00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:45,120 - And now for our first hymn, All Things Bright And Beautiful. 188 00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:48,440 - CHOIR AND MANDY SING: - 189 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:51,080 190 00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:55,600 191 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:59,040 192 00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:00,680 193 00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:03,040 - ALED: - Well, there seems to be some disturbance 194 00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:04,520 in the church this afternoon, 195 00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:07,080 some feathered friends have snuck in. 196 00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:09,760 But don't worry, they're all God's creatures. 197 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:12,120 - BIRDS SQUEAL 198 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:17,680 - 199 00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:21,440 200 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:24,800 201 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:27,800 202 00:11:35,560 --> 00:11:39,000 - For God's sake, what did you think was going to happen? 203 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:43,040 You've broken every rule in the bird-watching book - 204 00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:44,840 MY book - Michaela Strachan's 205 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:48,360 Guidebook To Birds Of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. 206 00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:49,840 - What's going on? 207 00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:55,280 - She's had a protected and rare bird nesting in her hair. 208 00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:59,120 - Protected bird? - The great crested eagle chick. 209 00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:02,080 It would've grown to be the largest bird in Europe. 210 00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:06,760 And she's probably got more nesting in that beehive of hers. 211 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:09,560 So, I'm sorry, but there's only one thing for it - 212 00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:13,080 I'm going to have to shoot your friend and let the birds live in 213 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:14,840 the hair of her decaying body. 214 00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:17,040 - No! You cannot shoot this woman! 215 00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,080 - Yeah, you're probably right, actually. 216 00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:22,680 I tell you what, I'm just going to blow my RSPB whistle instead. 217 00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:24,560 - HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLE 218 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,800 ALED: - And that's it for this week. 219 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,200 If you'd like to see more birds 220 00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:32,560 attacking women in churches, then my book - 221 00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:36,040 Aled Jones's Bumper Book of Birds Attacking Women in Churches - 222 00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:38,560 is available now in all good book shops. 223 00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:41,120 - the bees 224 00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:43,840 225 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:46,840 226 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:50,720 227 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:54,080 the sky 228 00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:56,440 229 00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:59,280 230 00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:01,440 231 00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:06,160 eyes...